One of the things I hear most frequently in one-to-one coaching sessions with academic clients is ‘I need to say no more’. Whilst that it is easy to say and to know in theory, it is a whole lot harder to translate that into practice.
No is such a tiny word, but the reality is, it is often very hard to say! Why is that?! From my discussions with clients over the years it is evident that there are a variety of genuine reasons why ‘No’ does not come as an easy response to most of us. For example, even if we know we are already working at full capacity and should probably say no, we might be:
The result is that many of us fall into the trap of ‘default yes’ responses. You know the one, where internally you’re going ‘oh my goodness there’s no way I can fit this in, I’m already working above my allocated workload and I was hoping to actually take my holiday this year’ but in some kind of out-of-body moment you hear yourself saying the words ‘oh yes of course, that’s no problem, happy to help, when will you need it by?’ – we’ve all been there!
Let me be clear, I’m not saying you should never say yes again, definitely not. There will be opportunities you will need and want to say yes to. Of course, there will also be occasions where no is not an option (if you’re required to do something contractually, or for ethical/safety reasons for example). What I am saying though, for instances where you do have a choice, is to give yourself the opportunity to carefully consider which opportunities to say yes to and which to respectfully decline. If you’re naturally a ‘default yes’ person this is going to take some practice, but fear not – there’s a 3-step process you can go through to help you to make the shift from ‘default yes’ to ‘considered response’ each time.
Until you know where you’re heading it’s virtually impossible to select the most appropriate paths to get there. If you don’t have a sense of what your goals and priorities are it makes it very difficult to spot which opportunities to say yes or no to, i.e. which activities are going to help you towards your goals and which will distract you from them.
So, if you’re currently not clear on this, take some time to consider your future goals, what do you want to be working on in the coming months/years? What does ‘success’ mean for you? What would you be proud to say you’ve achieved in 5 years’ time? What are you not yet doing that you would like to start doing?
This is not always an easy process and can take some time, particularly if you’ve not done much forward planning before. Sometimes it’s helpful to talk this through with someone else such as a friend, colleague, mentor or coach (ok….shameless plug for our one-to-one coaching!). Giving yourself the space to consider your priorities will give you the best foundations for making decisions about what to get involved in and what to leave behind.
Ok, this is the crucial bit, and I’m making it bold because it’s so important. There is always a time period between a request and a response.
If you’re a ‘default yes’ person by nature, then it is likely that up until now you’ve not been making the most of this golden moment and the words might well be out of your mouth before you’ve even realised what’s happening!
However, to go from ‘default yes’ to ‘considered response’ it is important to maximise your use of the time between the request and response. You will likely need to buy yourself a bit more time to do this. I’m not talking about ages, but long enough to give yourself enough time to enact step 3 (see below).
Here are some ideas of how to buy yourself time to pause, if you’re usually a quick responder they will take some conscious practice before they become natural:
So you’ve successfully bought yourself some time, so now how do you make a careful decision about whether to say yes or no to a request or opportunity? Here’s where the three C’s come in, work through them in this order:
CLARIFY – Often when a request is put to you it might be a bit vague, the details might not have been well thought through yet, or there might not be enough information for you to know how much work is involved or what the expectations of you are. If this is the case it is important to go back to the ‘requester’ with some questions to clarify exactly what is being asked of you. Only once you have a very clear idea of what the request or opportunity is, and what your role is, should you move on to the next C….
CONSIDER – This is when you draw on the work you did in step 1 to identify your priorities. Consider this new opportunity in alignment with your priorities and existing commitments. If you take on this new opportunity is it going to help you towards your goals? Do you want to take it on? How will it fit around the other responsibilities you have? If you take it on will you need to drop something else? If so, what will you give up to enable you to take on the new opportunity? Is it worth it? Are there things you would need to negotiate first?
COMMUNICATE – The final step is to carefully construct your response. Only do this once you’ve worked through the first two C’s. Sometimes this will be a straightforward (but well considered) yes, sign me up! Other times though it might one of a whole variety of possible responses such as:
Whatever you decide to communicate, keep it clear, concise and unapologetic. If you are declining you don’t need to offer lots of reasons and excuses, you are within your rights to say no (assuming it’s not a contractual obligation) and people will likely respect you for being clear of your priorities and being careful about what you commit to. If you’re a ‘default yes’ person by nature, it will take some practice and is likely to feel uncomfortable and scary to begin with. However, by becoming a ‘considered responder’ you will quickly start to reap the benefits of proactively deciding what to take on and what to leave behind.
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